The conversation that would finally start to include men in the discussion on gender issues has only just begun. According to journalist turned author, Aernout Zevenbergen, who book Spots of a Leopard - on being a man, was self published in August, said it became difficult to resolve gender issues when one of the two genders were perpetually excluded. More than that, he said, men themselves appeared to be silent when woman mobilised against gender crimes like rape.
It was therefore easy for people to exclude men on gender issues. But the side effect of that was that society was as oblivious - as many men were - about the fact that the male gender throughout Africa was struggling to deal with their changing roles, the Dutchman who now lives in Cape Town, said. Where men had traditionally been expected to "procreate, provide and protect", the slow death of patriarchy has plunged men into a new environment where all the old rules were tossed out of the window.
Speaking to VOC on Thursday, Zevenbergen said the most worrying fact was that men have yet to start having a conversation about what it takes to be a man today in a changing environment. In the absence of such introspection, news headlines were reporting on the consequences of men's inability to deal with deepening levels of anger within themselves. This has been reflected in the deplorable rise in domestic violence, rape, abuse and the unchecked spread of the HIV virus throughout the African continent.
According to the author who spent eight years writing Spots of a Leopard, everything has changed over the last few decades for men. "The relationship between men and women has changed drastically. Women have taken the lead since the 1960 - 70's and men have not really been part of that change, but we have are confronted with it on a day to day basis in our homes," he told VOC's Open Lines.
Candid conversations
This prompted him to wade into different parts of Africa to find out in candid conversations with a range of men from Kenneth Kaunda, founding father of Zambia, to young soccer players in KZN what it meant to be a man today. It was meant to "talk about issues of the heart and soul. (I wanted them to) tell me who they are as men, how they deal with change and their own anger."
During these conversations, it became clear that "there are no fixed rules any more. Everything is different than in the time of my father, or even the time of my brother. If there are no fixed rules anymore, then we need to negotiate. We need to start talking amongst each other about who we are and what we want from a relationship. Men from different walks of life say that no one has ever spoken to them about this and how they are now going to do thing at home."
At the same time, the statistical evidence of violence between men and women - which go both ways - made it clear that there was a veritable war between the sexes. "If you look at the amount of violence that has taken place between men and women in the most intimate relationship that we human beings can have, something is going wrong. There clearly are so many tensions that it can only be described as a war between men and women."
Zevenbergen says this is a pan-African and global issue of our time, but no one is reporting on it. "Your culture tells you that you have to procreate, provide and protect, but providing for your family is very difficult because of very high rates of unemployment. Yet, that is what everyone asks of you, including your wife who very often makes more money. So there you are, you look in the mirror and you think you are a failure. And how do you deal with that?"
While the same issue confronted men all over Africa, the South African situation was different than elsewhere in that men were more likely to be defined here by their ability to earn an income than their individual value as human beings. Zevenbergen recalled a conversation he had with an African where he was asked who he was. He proceeded to explain what he did and was then told that where he defined himself by his job, African men defined themselves by their links to family and the community. This, Zevenbergen said, explained to some extent why SA men had a difficult time adjusting when they could no longer be the providers in the family and hit back in anger.
Response
The issue lead to a hectic on air and online debate among VOC listeners where women in the main shared much of Zevenbergen's views while some men were reluctant to admit that they either felt angry or insecure.
Nina: "I don't think it should be a problem (if women earn more than men), as long as women remain modest about it, do not make it an issue by constantly reminding men about the fact that they are higher earners than them. Women should not milk the situation and throw it back in the men's faces because that affects the male ego. Men feel that they should be the provider and if that isn't the case it does make them insecure. "
Smylie-wp: "Yes, the new trend is that most women earn more then men and it makes the man feel a bit insecure while women try to rule the man. I was taught that the man hands his pay to the wife and she looks after all the necessaries. At the end off the day, if there is no dialogue between the two, then the problem starts."
Mim: "Most men don't feel insecure. They accept that in a healthy, long term relationship monetary situations change - from being the breadwinner, to earning less, to being unemployed. But I guess men could have insecurities. However, Islam teaches us sabr (patience), in very thing we do. Besides, when you are married, it's never your money, it's our money. On the other hand, women earning more than men could be a problem if the male is the alpha type. But we must ask our men why they love us. They love us for our strengths and that strength might just be us earning more. If men show appreciation you want to do more as you would do if the roles were reversed."
Amirah: "I think in today's life men are really threatened by women who earn more and are independent. That's why so many of our men folk have become abusive and domineering. It is like they have to prove that they are still men and not only with violence, but emotional abuse as well. Why are men like that?"
Abu Towsie: "Why must it always be about economics? Why can't you just be with your partner because of love, understanding and trust? A man that hits a woman is no man at all.
Laura: "A friend of mine, Carimah, said the best thing she did for her marriage was quit her job because even though it was stressful in the beginning, the difference in her husband when he realised that he was the sole provider and protector of the family was phenomenal."
Fai: "I think that often the Shariah is misinterpreted in ways that make men feel it's okay to be in charge. However, Islam is a very equal religion that promotes equality and liberation for both men and women. It has just been practised as a patriarchal religion in some ways, like many other religions, but it should not be this way. Men should not feel disempowered by women's liberation. A Muslim women's place is not in the home. Why should women sacrifice for men? As a woman I am every much as worthy a person as a man and I will liberate myself and work despite my husband's insecurity. I also won't marry a man that wants to keep me down so that I can't live up to my full human potential."
Fai2: "I am not condoning any of the wrongful behaviour, it's disgusting. However, I think that masculinity needs to be redefined as men have been socialised in ways that promote violence, physical prowess and breadwinners. Hence, women's empowerment leaves men feeling emasculated. We need workshops that provide men with a new way of defining and seeing what a man really should be. For gender relations to change, we cannot only look exclusively at women as women live with and among men, we cannot ignore men as they have been gendered as men as much as women have been gendered.
Stay tuned for a repeat of this edition of Open Lines Sunday at 11am. VOC |
