South Africa has suddenly come under the radar for an increase in spousal violence and in recent cases, murder. Recently, South Africans have been watching the heart breaking tale of Jayde Paniyoutou who was abducted outside her home and found dead in a nearby township. The accused in this case is her husband Christopher Paniyoutou.

At the same time, Rameez Patel of Polokwane is accused of strangling, beating and shooting his wife Fatima Patel in April this year. Patel has pleaded not guilty and wants to be released on bail, saying he was psychologically and emotionally affected by the murder.

In April last year, Shameema Moghammed Shamoon was making salah when her 40-year old husband allegedly shot her at close range with a crossbow. He was charged with two counts of murder and attempted murder, after he tried to kill their on. The court case is still pending.

In the 2010, Anni Dewani, was killed while on honeymoon in South Africa. Her husband, Shrien, walked free after being dramatically cleared of any part in the killing despite the judge ruling that many ‘unanswered questions’ still surrounded the case.

South African athlete Oscar Pistorius was charged with his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp’s murder on 14 February 2013 and went on trial in March 2014. In September 2014, he was found not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter.

These are just but a few cases that have flooded mainstream media and has raised the alarm bells on ‘femicide’ in South Africa.

What spurs a man to resort to this type of violence on the woman he loves?

Well known international educationist and motivational speaker Edris Khamissa deals with marriage discord and helps young people connect with each other through marital counselling. According to him, the critical aspect is that individuals should fully know their potential spouse’s character before they tie the knot.

“When people resort to violence they lack what we call EQ, Emotional Quotient. This is when you are smart with your emotions. It is to understand when your feelings are being raised and your anger is being triggered and you need to control it and also to be acutely aware of the other person so that you do not get yourself in a provocative situation that results in violence,” he explains.

Khamissa says that it is grossly unfair that females often feel the brunt of this behaviour and it is something that is unacceptable.
In many cases, women who are victims of femicide were in ‘normal’ and loving relationships. When you are dating and not living together, one does not get a truthful picture of the other person.

Khamissa feels couples should ask each other deep questions about themselves and their ideals before making a life-long commitment.

“I give people 100 questions you need to share with each other before you marry. Through word of mouth you can get to know people and you can get to know their temperament, you can get to know your partner through people they have schooled with, went to university with etc. Also ask what they see in you and why they want to marry you. An error in judgement can sometimes have tragic consequences.”

For some women though, when witnessing a side to their partner that is aggressive, they still hold onto the hope that they will change. In the worst case scenario, the woman develops Battered Women’s Syndrome, as a result of serious, long-term abuse. BWS is dangerous primarily because it leads to “learned helplessness” – or psychological paralysis – where the victim becomes so depressed, defeated, and passive that she believes she is incapable of leaving the abusive situation.

“My advice is the moment there’s a hike in violence, that’s a red flag you must not ignore it. It is not right… you not suppose be in a relationship where you exposed to violence. Something has to be done about it and you need to assert yourself. When people are exposed to this they blame themselves and don’t say that the person they married is the wrong person. You must not be a spectator in your own life and stand for these circumstances,” Khamissa stressed.

Sometimes the most important factor that creates a rift between people is the fact that they perhaps have disconnected the bond they once had. Khamissa says the most powerful tool any couple has is communication.

“It’s not just what you say but how you say it. It is important that our sisters share with their partners what gives them joy, what gives them fulfilment and also what they enjoy about intimacy. Men and women are wired differently, not many men understand fully what our sisters need and want. I think once our brothers understand that they will be a lot more expressive. On a weekly basis reflect on your relationship look at what has been good and look at what needs development. As couples you need to grow together. What happens is when you grow together your relationship will thrive and do well.”

If you would like to get in contact with Edris Khamissa check out his website http://www.edriskhamissa.com. Also subscribe to his news letter to receive inspiration on how you can better your relationship. VOC (Najma Bibi Noor Mahomed)